Its been forever since ive written in here. Probably since before school was out last spring. And wow. I got all A's suprisingly. I am content with that area of my life. I was not able to attend school during this fall do to personal matters as in moving, settling in, being alone in an apartment, job hunting etc. Just trying to start all over in another part of the town. But my main focus for writing today is my sadness. I am leaving california again. I never knew that i could love just being somewhere so much. Its the same feeling that i had when my ex gf dumped me. My heart has shattered, and i havent even left yet. But tommarow i leave at 11pm at night. And every minute that go's by is like a force pulling me pleading with me not to leave. All of my insides are squirming and feel so shaken. So lost, so undecided. I havent told my family yet, and am not going to for the forseable future. I am out of focus. I would stay but i cant, i agreed to go and stay with an old friend, and live with them since they were lonely and missed me. They bought the ticket, and as soon as i recieved it, reality hit me. I wasnt ready to leave, im still not ready to leave, but the ticket is paid non refundable, and i have no choice now. Its not that i dont want to go see them, its just that i want to stay here, i dont have the best life here, i live like a poor man, but its where i want to be im happy even though im miserable. I could be miserable anywhere but its right here that i want to be miserable. My roomate said that he hoped wherever i went that i was happy. And i appreciated that. My insides say, right here, i have a romance with this city, its a place thats so stuck inside my heart so deep down i cannot let go and i know ill never forget or get over this city. Ive been taking pictures of the city, i went to where i had my first date, along the river, on a dock, where the walruses had swam for miles and miles all the way inland from the sea, and they never do that, nobody believed me i told that to, but for that date i was on they were there, and it was a memory. I had to take a picture of that spot. Not because i have feelings for the girl i dated, but because the feeling i felt at that exact moment in time, at the exact spot along the river, that memory i had to keep. I took pictures of alot of places i used to walk along during breaks, and the tall skyscrapers, i even went into my old job and got a picture with an ex coworker friend of myne. The old brick buildings, the victorian masterpiece mansions, the yellow bridge. I wished i had more pictures on the little disposable camera, at my disposal. Maybe tommarow i can buy another one. I remember that train ride, with a girl i had known only for a week, and kissed her, and it was like magic, we stopped talking a week after it was ackward between us. She had showed me how to ride the trains, and where to go, and gave me my first tour of the city which seemed so big and confusing but now i know it like the back of my hand. Last January, or February was when this all happened. Ill never forget this place, it seems so stupid, that a city could mean so much to me. Even with its rude and snooty people, and the masses of bums and deadbeats hounding u for a fag, or change anytime you light up to enjoy a nice smoke. This city is my home now, and it will always be my home nomatter where life may take me. If im never able to come back here again in my life, i dont want to live anymore of this life. I just pray that i have a safe trip and a safe return. And that I dont get stuck anywhere like last time i left. Ive come across alot of girls here, but the city itself was my love. Well, for now thats all i will write. I will get that roll of film published and upload it here, since this is where it is. And i know for each picture ill have a story to go with it, and why it means so much to me.
Au revoir por maintenant.
Andrew
Au revoir por maintenant.
Andrew
